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Opus in thought on a Sunday Morning.

Wow. How did I get here?

Its at moments like these that I marvel at my friends, because I know how cowardly I am. How did I live through my life? There are times when I am greatful they can say, "I was there. I saw you do it." I wonder, does anybody else feel that way?

There are mornings when I wake up and everything is eventual. I am hopeful, the world is pregnant with opportunity, and I can attack the day.

There are other mornings when I barely make it past the bathroom mirror before I accept that I hate everything, I am hopless, and I cannot face the day.

These are the days when it's Michael I see in the mirror. These are the days where after dreaming I expect my son to crawl up into bed with me and call me mommy. These are the days when I check the phone for a message from Aimee, Ryan, Nate, and the gang.

These are the days when I roll over looking for Anjelica.

All the mistakes that I have made. The losses that everyone suffers. Hitting me all at once. The realization that my life ended a little bit at each crossing. Life isn't made up of milestones, but of moments.

I barely make it, and yet I know I have a responcibility to people with greater losses than my own. I cannot imagine being Brad for a day. His strength so eclipses my own that I practically evanesce. Even Amber's grace sometimes leaves me feeling impotent.

Is this what I knew at 10 that I would become? Did I know that once I had everything, that I would fuck it all up? Have I fucked everything up, or am I short-sighted? All the love I sought from my parents - do I neglect people now?

All the love I feign for my son, is it to me feel better? Would I be a good mother?

Would I stil lbe friends with Michael if he were alive? Do you think he ever would've believed how much I miss him?

We are defined by the things that happen to us. This hurts so much. What is my definition if a mere rememberance hurts so much?



Picked this video for that song.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
darkmagic124
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:41 am (UTC)
I don't know exactly what to say right now. I do know that my "grace" is only because you gave me the strength to find it when I had none. The happiness of my life is because YOU- Ruby Renea Lee Sedgley took the sick, sad mess that was me and made me believe that I was better than all of that. I am, and will be, forever in your debt because the rest of my life is going to be fucking fantastic with you. You are my sister, you are my friend. You are perfect to me.
spineless_steel
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:14 am (UTC)
I think you are one of the brighter stars, if you ask me.

I enjoyed the clip although I've never seen six feet under. What's that song?
lolasenvy
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:45 am (UTC)
the song is
Sia - Breathe Me

That is how the series ended. All the deaths you see in the clip are the shows characters. You get to see how they all end. If you like it, I suggest Broadcast "Before we begin"

Here again, at the end
Before the beginning
So the salt will spill again
Throw it over your shoulder

Oh it's in tomorrow
Fortune or sorrow
Wait you may win
I don't mean to show
That I know how this goes
Before we begin again

You may hide on one side
And me on the other
You may speak but wait for me
Should my sentence faulter

Oh it's in tomorrow
Fortune or sorrow
Wait you may win
But now it feels empty
There's no need in guessing
Before we begin again

So here we are again
Back to the beginning
So the salt will spill again
Throw it over your shoulder

Oh it's in tomorrow
Fortune or sorrow
Wait you may win
I don't need to show
That I know how this goes
Before we begin again

I'm at the end, looking for the beginning. Know what I mean?
spineless_steel
Aug. 14th, 2007 12:12 pm (UTC)
Re: the song is
sure do.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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you stupid republican bitch
lolasenvy
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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