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Insomnia and grief are a caustic cocktail



Poll #1210674 This Vlog thing

So this vlogging, what do you think?

It getting a little annoying, TBH.
0(0.0%)
Vlog, Blog, voicepost - Whatever
0(0.0%)
I don't know, I can't/don't watch
0(0.0%)
I like them.
4(100.0%)
I prefer them.
0(0.0%)

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
jesus_h_biscuit
Jun. 25th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
"...and he made (effortlessly) life better and I don't..."
You've never been more wrong about anything in your life than you are about this statement. I don't need any reason more than the fact that I myself could have written what Michael wrote to you verbatim and meant it just as much as he did.

Michael lived a short but incredibly rich and accomplished life, and in that time achieved more than most people twice his age pretend they do, and he knew who he was in this world - which is a footing few ever get to.

You're not supposed to be okay with the idea that he's gone, and of course you miss everything about him. But to grieve that you should have told him that and feel you didn't presupposes he didn't know the full extent and depth of your love. No one who wrote what he wrote you, no one who asked you to do for him what was asked of you couldn't have known by your examples in life, which oftentimes are more potent than verbiage. So let yourself off the hook for that lack of ceremony, because it wasn't necessary for his purposes. He already knew everything you needed him to know and more because that's the kind of magical being he was, much like Elissa - they're sparkly people, remember? Sparkly people always get as a given what we have to work harder to make sense of.

And just so you know, you say it to me every day I get more time to dwell on this rock, whether with words or whether in my presence or not. You always have and you've never wavered, not even once. If I'm a good man then a part of the reasons why belong to you, honey. Because nobody loves me like you do, nobody ever could, nobody ever will, and don't fool yourself into thinking for a second that I'm not aware of that. It's permanent press and it doesn't wash out.

Now get your ass over here and spend the night with me because I miss you.

Edited at 2008-06-25 02:15 pm (UTC)
apophantic
Jun. 26th, 2008 01:12 am (UTC)
I'm not going to say that death makes any kind of sense--it doesn't. That's the point.

What I do know is that if you really think so highly of him, you should trust in his words. You should trust in his judgment of you. You should trust in the fact that even if YOU don't think those things about yourself, HE did, and that's enough. If you love him and respect him, which you clearly do, you should trust his judgment of you.

When you stand inside of a house, you can't see how it looks in the landscape, you can't see how beautiful it makes the horizon look. You're inside yourself, you don't see how beautiful you make the world by being a part of it--but he did. Trust in that.



[Also, on a side-note, I agree with your judgment of cemeteries. Cemeteries, funerals, all of it--they're only for the people who are left behind. However, I really don't think that's so bad...I mean, I don't get much of anything out of them other than a sense of history, but maybe that's enough, ya know?]
merlinwon
Jun. 26th, 2008 07:20 pm (UTC)
A sad yet good post! I like posts like this. Either vid, writing it down, voice... etc. I felt like i wanted to be there with you at the moment and give you a big hug and comfort in knowing that he's in a better place than THIS place, believe me. I know what's it's like to lose someone very close. Took me 12-13 to finish the grieving and move on and know that he could be near or hear me. Death is not the finishing act to this so called performance on stage of this earth! I haven't known you long enuff to know who michael is but he sure made an impact on you, and as you read, you made an impact on him! THAT is the special part of this performance act on "STAGE EARTH!".. We met people special , sometimes they leave us early or when the time does come. Sometimes unexpected! Yet know that you are fine.. and that the friends you have today.. are like angels to help you along your path! Mr. Biscuit seems to be a GREAT friend from what i just read in his post! I also agree with you on the graveyard scene! I didn't go to my uncles, my lovers, my nana's, or my dads grave site when they were buried. And i told my mom, They aren't really there. It's just a stone and a now incomplete decomposing body in a casket. What a waste of land! They REALLY are around us!! I hope you're feeling betters today! I love your vid post!! You're a very precious and beautiful girl!! Love ya! ::HUGS:: Randy xoxox
neon_calypso
Jun. 27th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC)
He was right.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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