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renea's reasons why not, vol. 1

I have been awake for several days now trying to work out in my head what to do with this friend I have. Every part of me says, cut ties and walk away, but when I really think on it I'm left with the worry that someone objective might look at this and say I hadn't been fair. Anyone who knows me should know that I am at my beginning and end and above all things fair, and I'll do anything I can in the way of fairness to do right by those who deserve it.

I am, however, plagued by a few things:

1) I feel disrespeted at the use of self-diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is a crutch, an excuse, and the explanation for antisocial and condescending behavior which seldom has an excuse to begin with and isn't in the slightest shown an attempt to improve upon.

2) I don't appreciate the self centered and one sided role ur relationship has come to. Now that you've moved away, you seldom if ever call, I am expected to report any relevant information to you, and you make visit on your time and for your needs. You don't even bother to ask anymore. You treat me like I'm ok enough company if nothing else is going on. Shame on you for that.

3) You have descended into rudeness with your condescention of late. Because you seek apporval for your actions, if I don't supply it there must be something wrong with me. Furthermore, when I do right by my duties as a friend my attempts are ignored or deleted. Simply put, if I'm not playing the 'yes man' I am not welcomed.

4) I do not feel we have anything between us but our past. Not even history as history speaks to respect, which I honestly do not feel from you. We were once two rooms in the same house. I no longer feel we are in the same neighborhood, and though it pains me to say it, you are on a path I cannot follow.

5) I do not feel that I am respected enough even to say these things to you, as you have in the past ignored me. Your refusal to take some responsibility in this means that I must remind myself that I deserve such consideration whether you agree with me or not. In addition, I have a responcibility to the people in my life who do not bring such grief and who equally lend their support to me i my times of need. It is a slight to them to continue to pull more than my weight in this relationship with you.

6) On a more personal note - you are but one of only four people in my life that I have forgiven. It is against my principles to forgive those who willfully hurt me. I did this because I believed that you had honest regret about what you did to me. I now see that you did not. The surest sign will betray you if you read this and are full of your self serving excuses rather than sincerest apologies for the hurt you have caused. You have made me feel foolish now only for forgiving you, but for having forgiven at all.

These are Renea's reasons why not. Why not Andrew.
I'm still sorry. I am so very sorry.
I hope you take some responsibility for yourself.
Because I no longer feel responsible to you.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
jesus_h_biscuit
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
Wow.
There are tremendous rewards for baring your soul and being forthright with your feelings. If nothing else, it allows you to know that if the people you allow in your life would turn around and walk out of it when the going got tough and didn't have the intestinal fortitude to dig in their heels when it mattered most, then you have nothing to grieve over but a past that no longer has anything to do with you.

I hope that it never has to come to that and that you're seen for the real value you are - and that amends are truly made.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )