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I don't know

I don't know what to do or think right now. My friend Michael died tonight. I know that he's no longer in pain. I know that he's in a better place. I know that this is for the best.

I don't really know anything at all.

I don't know how I can know all of this stuff and still feel so angry. I don't know why this had to happen to someone as strong, smart, talented, and amazing as Michael. I don't know why these things don't happen to people who squander - SO MANY PEOPLE SQUANDER EVERYTHING! I don't know how I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to watch him get placed in the ground. I don't know long I'm going to feel this empty. I don't know how I'm going to live with myself because I had so many things I should have said to him and I will never be able to do that ever again.

I loved him. Michael was a wonderful person and he was so talented. He was a great friend, and I really thought he was going to pull through it. I begged God to see him through it. I guess he did, and I am just selfish. I want my friend with me. I want to tell him how great he was. I wanted to see him graduate. I wanted to tell him in so many ways how he was a better person than I was.

I want to be angry at God, but I can't be. I want something to blame. I want to have control over something. I want to crawl up in my bed and lay there for a couple of days. I want to hug Nate right now, as selfish as that sounds. I want someone to tell me its all ok. I want to feel better than this, because I feel like the worst friend right now.

And I wonder if he knew how important he was. I wonder if he felt at home those last few moments. I wonder how well recieved he was in Heaven.

I just don't know right now...

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
mi6300m
Feb. 23rd, 2003 11:55 pm (UTC)
:-(
My condolences Renea,

I'm sure he was a wonderful friend to you. And your right he will no longer be in anymore pain. You'll get through this. Your a tough woman. You have lots of friends to help you though this... :-)
princessqtpi
Feb. 24th, 2003 07:34 am (UTC)
I wish I know what to say....but I don't.

Take care......

I love you!!

thedigitalghost
Feb. 24th, 2003 09:31 am (UTC)
Had to wait until the LJ Servers would respond to post this, but...

I'm very sorry to ehar about your friend, Michael. If you ever need a shoulder or a voice, or anything else, please let me know. I'm there for you if you need me to be.

All my love,

Damien
(Deleted comment)
charliekeenjr
Feb. 24th, 2003 01:17 pm (UTC)
i know this is none of my business, but what'd he die from? why? this is tha first i've heard of Michael.. and i'm sorry for your loss and tha world's loss.. if he's someone you cared for, then i KNOW he's worth knowing, even after his parting..
thedigitalghost
Feb. 25th, 2003 09:18 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure it was cancer. She's mentioned it a few times in past posts if you want to look there...

D
saturndayze21
Feb. 26th, 2003 07:22 pm (UTC)
Renea,
If you need to talk just call. I love you and you have become a special friend to me. I'm very sorry about your loss. ~Ellen
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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you stupid republican bitch
lolasenvy
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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