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This is MY stigma

Ok. Now that everyone hates each other. Again. I guess I should say something...

This entire situation is my fault. I'm the one who posted first. I'm the one who cast the first 'stone'. And no one cared or seemed to.

Do you guys not see that by not calling or visiting, I was left with the belief that you didn't care, or worse. And sense I know you posted on livejournal, not having a comment there led me to believe that you didn't WANT to post, not that you couldn't. Did it not make sense that I would be VERY paranoid concerning my diagnosis considering recent events? Or that the depression from hormone deficiency might leave me unable to handle recent stress or lead me to believe strange and seemingly cruel things. Did it not occur to you that by taking one minute to call me, you could have said 'I got your messages' or 'I know your ill' or 'I gave a damn whether you live or die' without saying anything at all? Did you consider that if you knew me at all, you'd know this is the LAST thing I'd do for attention? That I'm even writing this should speak of how sever it really is, because I find it personally mortifying to talk about it. I've left a lot personal details out so I can retain some dignity.

It wasn't until after Brad's post that people called me (sparing Brad, Drew, and Kate)at all. That makes me feel really bad. But it also makes me feel as though Brad's post held a purpose. You all claim to have the best of intentions and to want verification on things said. If I could have gotten a hold of you, none of this would be happening. If you think anything of my illness, ask Celest about getting up with me at night. Ask Anjelicqa about me getting sick and dizzy spells and other things... If you maintained contact, you know how very real my issues are.

And how abandoned I felt by some people. I did try to fight my own battle, and was ignored. Don't blame Brad for being the friend he always maintained he would be to ME. If you have a problem with this situation, Then the person you consult is me. Although, consulting me would have prevented this, as I wouldn't have had such fuel to my depression, nor would I have so much stock in Brad's compassion.

If this makes you angry, then drop me a simple line ending the relationship. I still want your friendship - always have. However, I will never forget who to expect support from in the pinch.

That is all.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
jesus_h_biscuit
Apr. 2nd, 2003 04:55 am (UTC)
I hate no one. I am disappointed beyond belief, and I cannot agree to disagree with anything that has been done or find an excuse for it. It is broken and past fixing. I have nothing negative to offer about anyone I once considered a friend, I'm trying too hard to accept all of this and accept my decision to live without them as part of my life anymore. The only choice I had was to look the other way like it didn't matter and that isn't a viable choice for me. In doing so I would have compromised the value I place on friendship and given up on everything I believe in.

True family is the one you choose. I have always believed that as my friends loved me more than my real family ever did. The price is that my real family could never have disappointed me as badly as my friends could - and did. I haven't changed or redefined my terms on what constitutes friendship, they did. I cannot and will not accept this.
wsbsdrewnelson
Apr. 2nd, 2003 08:07 am (UTC)
Please don't forget Jennie.
lolasenvy
Apr. 2nd, 2003 09:48 am (UTC)
Ginuinely sorry..
I apologized to her personally. I didn't mean to exclude her. I haden't included her in my original rant, and I know how sincere she is. I concurr my apologies.
princessqtpi
Apr. 2nd, 2003 09:29 am (UTC)
Remember one thing...I do love you. I don't show it right and Maybe I suck as a human being but I love you

believe what you want.
lolasenvy
Apr. 2nd, 2003 09:46 am (UTC)
I do
you know i do. I know who is ginuine and who is not.

Thank you. ::hug::
charliekeenjr
Apr. 2nd, 2003 12:39 pm (UTC)
okie, well now that we're taking turns with tha blame..
it's not a thing to HAVE a fault!! people are so DANG self-involved.. it's like you express how YOU feel or what YOU see and EVERYONE HAS to argue it..
crappy friendship was displayed, self-centeredness was displayed, preoccupation was displayed, and fear of not being necessary was displayed..
if it's blame, then we all have a bit.. but NOT YOU RENEA..

look, i'm not a great friend, i've visited maybe twice since i met you, i think you're down-right COOL, i absolutely enjoying being around you.. i LOVED staying up all night with you..

but i have a personal issue with invitations, i feel that if i don't get one, then i'm not invited.. i KNOW that's stupid, but that's an issue i've grown up with..

anywho, reguardless as to what has been said, Renea, you should NOT feel appologetic for anything.. and Jude was in tha RIGHT for calling us out! sometimes it takes being embarressed to make someone realize their mistakes.. UNFORTUNATELY, alot of people refuse to see past their embarressment..
photol
Apr. 2nd, 2003 09:48 pm (UTC)
you know i've considered you a friend since the night we sat and had the long, infamous spongebob conversation..and i have tried my hardest to be there to listen to you or walk with you or watch a movie with you or stay up all night with you or let you stay with us when you were spooked in your room, etc..i try my hardest to be a friend to whomever i come in contact with and can accept as long as i'm accepted, and you did just that..you took me into your home for no apparent reason OTHER than to have friends there..i'm just not gonna sit around and be put down when i've been avoiding the drama all along, though..that's where i came in, and that's where i still stand..the ONLY reason i didn't call you in your time of need was simply because i don't always read livejournal..i get on, i post, i get off..that's it..it's not too often that i read my friends' page because i DO have things to tend to..emergency type things that are beyond my control to begin with..i'm sorry if i haven't been the ultimate friend, but then again i am human, and as humans we have faults, but i don't appreciate being called out when i haven't done anything in the first place..i still love you, and always will, and if you need anything, you know the number..
lolasenvy
Apr. 3rd, 2003 03:50 am (UTC)
This is what I'm talking about...
When asked why I allowed you to live with me so long, I am sometimes unable to articulate What I am thinking in an appropriate way. Now by circumstance, I have an example. I admit, when the money issue is brought up, I too have joked. However, I know the fabric of our friendship. THAT'S what is paramount. I lived in a place where money was the most important thing. It was miserable. I will not allow that to be my most important issue. In stating your piece, you gave heartfelt apology and restated the friendship I cherish as personally seen. That means the world to me. That you see how I felt and are sorry for the misconception - this validates me and replaces my once felt paranoia with peace of mind. Thank you for being my friend. I truly love you. I mean it.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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you stupid republican bitch
lolasenvy
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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