Currently dashing the hopes of my parents. (lolasenvy) wrote,
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.
lolasenvy

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Opus in thought on a Sunday Morning.

Wow. How did I get here?

Its at moments like these that I marvel at my friends, because I know how cowardly I am. How did I live through my life? There are times when I am greatful they can say, "I was there. I saw you do it." I wonder, does anybody else feel that way?

There are mornings when I wake up and everything is eventual. I am hopeful, the world is pregnant with opportunity, and I can attack the day.

There are other mornings when I barely make it past the bathroom mirror before I accept that I hate everything, I am hopless, and I cannot face the day.

These are the days when it's Michael I see in the mirror. These are the days where after dreaming I expect my son to crawl up into bed with me and call me mommy. These are the days when I check the phone for a message from Aimee, Ryan, Nate, and the gang.

These are the days when I roll over looking for Anjelica.

All the mistakes that I have made. The losses that everyone suffers. Hitting me all at once. The realization that my life ended a little bit at each crossing. Life isn't made up of milestones, but of moments.

I barely make it, and yet I know I have a responcibility to people with greater losses than my own. I cannot imagine being Brad for a day. His strength so eclipses my own that I practically evanesce. Even Amber's grace sometimes leaves me feeling impotent.

Is this what I knew at 10 that I would become? Did I know that once I had everything, that I would fuck it all up? Have I fucked everything up, or am I short-sighted? All the love I sought from my parents - do I neglect people now?

All the love I feign for my son, is it to me feel better? Would I be a good mother?

Would I stil lbe friends with Michael if he were alive? Do you think he ever would've believed how much I miss him?

We are defined by the things that happen to us. This hurts so much. What is my definition if a mere rememberance hurts so much?



Picked this video for that song.
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