Currently dashing the hopes of my parents. (lolasenvy) wrote,
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

  • Mood:

A Letter to My 12-Year Old Self

Dear You,

Er, me. You are not going to grow up to be a singer. But you will love music for the rest of your life. For that matter, Quantum Leap will mean as much to you at 25 as it does now, but for totally different reasons. You will also be a big girl for your foreseeable future, and I wish it didn't matter as much to you as I know it will. Let's get some basic stuff out of the way: you are smart enough to hold your own in a room full of your peers. You are also deserving of love, whether those around you give it or not. Renea, what you cannot realize yet is that you are, right now, the archetype for the woman you will become. If you were not able to trudge through the hardships your are living right now, I would be unable to have faith in myself as I trudge through hardships today. Believe me, baby girl, sometimes keeping your head down and moving forward is your salvation, even if you don't know it.

Don't take it personally if you talk to God and nothing happens. This will make sense one day, and it isn't your fault. You will spend your whole life trying to feel loved by people who instead ignore you, but you will also learn how to see people in the kindest light possible. You will learn to be fair, even when people are unfair to you. Those are noble abilities, and ones you will pride yourself on. By the way, you don't really want to kill yourself. You think you do, but trust me, it gets better. Music alone will make your life worth living, so hold out.

I'm not going to lie to you: you are going to know some hardship. There are going to be times when you feel so sad that you won't won't know how to go on. But you will go on. You will survive everything that happens, and at 25 years old, you will feel strong for the first time in your whole life. You will learn that when you fall, your family will be there, and you don't have to go around pretend-building substitutes for them in the end. Oh, and for the record, your father is a douchebag. Unlike you, I'm not saying it secretly pining for him to notice me, it's the Goddamn truth. You will also swear a lot. To be perfectly frank, there aren't many opinions you have here that you will have later. That being said, be careful the opinions you draw on other people. You might be surprised where you find yourself someday, and how others might judge you.

You are going to meet a man that completes you. He will be your other half, and you will know love from him so pure and perfect that God would blush in shame before it. Building your relationship will save you again and again from yourself, and it will set a standard that frightens lesser people. His boyfriend is awesome too. At nearly a quarter of a century, you will realize that there is nothing wrong with wanting something good for yourself, and there is something wrong with people who only ever want something from you. The trick, you will fiind, is giving everyone a chance, and not giving everyone ten of them.

Hug your mother. When she is hard on you, understand. You cannot believe me now, I'm sure, but when there is nobody else around, she will be there. For that matter, go hug your grandmother. When you want her most to be there, she will not be. These women are in your bones, and you will find yourself to be more like them than you realize. This is a good thing, I promise. Also, tell your dad that you love him. The closest family you will ever have picked you and your mom. They wanted you, don't you ever forget that.

Baby, you will not have it easy. There will be times when people hurt you, and you never know why. There will be times when you don't know where you will be sleeping. There will be times when you think you might die. There will be times when you will be unable to cope with knowing someone else has died. But you will live. You will love people with more tenacity (look it up) than your twelve year old body can understand. You will learn that perspective is the greatest tool in your arsenal, and you will come to know the most important thing you can: to be alive is to be happy, the rest is just details.

Forgive yourself, enjoy what you can, and trust that every experience is a worthy one. Believe me, kiddo, the box you are handed at twelve might be useless to you then, but it will be just the thing when you're 25.

With respect,

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.