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Tomorrow is another day.

I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. I cannot bake, I cannot ruminate, and I have no one to care for. I feel like a constant burden on everyone, and I don't know what to do.

I spoke with Amber, and though she privately professed her apology, her promise to make it right in the same fashion as her attack went unfilled. I should have expected as much - publicly admitting that she may have jumped the gun and relished calling me out was just something she had no intention of doing.

It's been five days, at this point only laziness could pose a plausible explanation. Even still, shame on you for not trying once to salve a six year friendship. And you didn't - no letters, no emails, no comments, no seeking out a conduit. You tried as hard to save this as you did when you had it, and the most painful part of all of it is knowing your smug sense of righteousness has prevented you from even caring. Excuses and explanations aside, wanting something to be so isn't the same as making it so.

I also spoke with Mike, who also expressed copious regret about the handling of our marriage. With tears of lamentation for the remembrance of what we were, he was still unable to qualify his responsibility in most of it. They are such similar people, in the end, and all the declaration of intention never developed into actual effort.

After all the fights, the miscarriages, the cancer, homelessness, bankruptcy, caring for Amber, it was the apathy we couldn't survive. We drown in all the times someone should have said something but no one said a thing. At 24, I now know that I had learned to feel bad because it made me feel better. As Meredith Wilson put it, I stacked up my hopeful tomorrows but wound up with empty yesterdays.

So now I have to figure it all out. At marriage, I am a failure. I no longer keep a home, and I no longer care for other people. I'm just trying to figure out how to make decisions for just me, and there are days when I would give anything to feel like I haven't wasted the past five years doing those things.

I just try to remember that I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 11th, 2008 02:30 am (UTC)
You shouldn't think of yourself as a failure in marriage. You tried your best where it seems I didn't try at all no matter how much I wanted to. Though we won't be together I still consider you one of my best friends and will always cherish what time we had together (good and bad) and hope that we can somehow be friends. I meant what I said last night when I told you that I will always love you.
Nov. 11th, 2008 02:42 pm (UTC)
I am sorry for not posting before now. I could tell you why, but in the end it does not matter. But I am posting nevertheless.

"They were too weak, too prone to break,
Their needs too deep, their skin too thin.."

I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can certainly answer for myself. I was all of those things and more. I was self-absorbed and self-destructive, and while I have said this before it bears repeating: I don't know how you put up with me.

I am sorry for hurting you- not just this last time, but ALL of the times; the times I disappointed, the times I let you down, the times I could have been a better person but I chose not to be. I am sorry that I let misguided feelings of self-righteousness come before concern and caring. I have come a long way as a viable human being, but I also know that there is much work to do. It's going to be a long time before I am the person that I want to be.

"Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give"

I am sorry for both what was left unsaid that should have been spoken, and I am sorry for what was said that should not have been. I am assuming full responsibility for both. Communication goes both ways.

:Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear"

I am not even sure that you would want me there at this point, but I will always think of you and send you positive energy. I really hope that you find true happiness on this short run we call life.

We went through hell together- homelessness, job losses, miscarriages. We went through heaven together- prosperity, good fortune, positive energy. If you feel like the past five years were a waste.. that breaks my heart. The bad was just as relevant as the good in making us the people we are now. I am so sorry that you feel that way. I am so sorry for having a hand in you feeling that way.

If you want to talk, you know how to find me. I know how to find you. If our past is any indication, we will see each other, someday.

Despite all evidence towards the contrary, I love you. You really did save me when I thought that I was unsavable. You loved me when I thought I was undeserving of love. You pushed me to look past how I was raised and to be a better version of myself; one worthy of the life I am living now. There are no words available to mankind to thank you for that.

I love you.

I am so sorry.
Nov. 12th, 2008 12:00 pm (UTC)
Everyone knows I'm the quiet one. I seldom have much to say, but believe me that when I say it, I mean it. When I read what you just posted and I consider all the things I have seen from you, the only thing that comes to mind is "Too little. Too late."

What a shame that you never once realized what you had until it was gone. Shame on you. Shame on you for all but destroying someone so beautiful and so selfless who wanted nothing from you but your friendship and some common decency.

Nov. 12th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
Re: Wow.
This apology is for her sake and no one else's.
Nov. 13th, 2008 09:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Wow.
And it is horribly insufficient.
Nov. 14th, 2008 01:57 am (UTC)
Re: Wow.
That is for her to decide. I am done talking to everyone else about it. When she sees fit to comment to me personally, if at all, I will take what she says into consideration.
Nov. 14th, 2008 04:21 am (UTC)
Re: Wow.
Newsflash, no one gives a flying rat's bleeding ass fuck what you're 'done with'. Fuck your smug attitude, and fuck these stupid ass declarations like they mean anything.

All this bullshit fails the sincerity test when you constantly refuse to put your money where your mouth is. You're not sorry for anything when all it is is words on a monitor, sorry is actually going out of your way to right a wrong, not 'write' a wrong.

"When she sees fit to comment to me personally, if at all..."

Oh just FUCK YOU six ways to Sunday with this bullshit. Way to show what regard you have for the seriousness of this, and how truly hard you're willing to work for it.

As to the issue of Damien. This man has willingly gone out of his way to clean up your messes for you without having to be asked and without any gratitude for it, he's more than paid for and earned his right to his opinions. AND HE'S RIGHT TO HAVE THEM, having never once in seven years failed her on any level.
Nov. 14th, 2008 05:09 am (UTC)
Re: Wow.
Your Journal for this year only had three comments that weren't either Brad or I. I looked. It did, however, have the following:

  • 8 Songs that I introduced to you, to of which you proclaimed your fave of the moment.

  • 9 Comments from me directly to you.

  • 10 References to activities we engaged in, none of which were unpleasant.

  • 1 Marriage, which I officiated, and selected the music for.

  • and 2 declarations concerning me - one on my behalf and one in your defense. You declared yourself 'not thoughtless' very dramatically, and used you husband as your defensive support. This is a claim you yourself invalidated recently, admitting you are indeed those things, and are working to improve.

So, there's hardly a song, outing or experience in the past year that isn't tied to me. You wedding vow and your 'song' where introduced by me. I can count off the top of my head five times I have helped patch your marriage, not including many conversations I had with your husband that you aren't a privy to and I kept you out of jail once.

...and this is what I get? This is the best you have? This lackluster, half-assed, shallow apology made from the comfort of your home is your single attempt at making good?

What about, "I don't think I could find you boring Renea?" Does that conversation not count? You certainly didn't count it when you smugly implied that I haven't, and might not comment to you. Because I did, remember? Over a week ago, when you failed to make good on your word. You didn't even bother to remove the attacking post on a journal that apparently no one reads other than us in the first place! What pseudopride are you bolstering with that anyway? Or, could it be that is how little you really care in the first place? That just like with Joe, you see golden boy redemption in Andrew, and have no intention of that being sullied for my sake. Sure have come a long way, haven't we?

Because I know the way you speak about me to Mike, and the way you spoke to me about Mike, and the way you spoke of Andrew to the both of us. The sad part is that none of us were a threat, yet you revel in the drama. You'd sacrifice the friendship to watch it burn, thinking you're sailing away from the wreckage. When are you going to learn that no one is so rich that they can throw away friends. Even if you keep yourself to Andrew, how long will the honeymoon last? How long before you become a victim of your own devices? They aren't going to just vanish, unlike the friends.

The thing is, all you have to do is own it. You don't wanna work for it, or don't think its worth it to work for it? Say so. Stop hiding behind this smug self-righteous bullshit and just fucking admit it. Want a shot at this friendship? Think you might someday need it? Well then anytime you're ready we can meet and you can be sincere if capable. In person. With Mike and Andrew in tow. I have nothing to hide, and no problem whatsoever with answering any question posed me and explaining my actions. Can you say the same with all three of us present?

Bear in mind that even Mike was big enough for those terms, opting to keep a friendship with me on its merits, and I am divorcing him. So if those terms don't strike you, fine, but expect everyone to wonder why that is from a person with no reason to hide. All I want from you is an apology I can believe - with sincerity in front of those I know you decried me to. It's non-negotiable, your only hope to achieve this thing you so confess to want is this. Like you said, communication works both ways. Balls in your court.

Or don't. But for the love of fuck stop declaring shit, and knock off the smug condescension. But as requested, commentary. For your consideration.

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


you stupid republican bitch
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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