And I’m not even dating him. That’s the greatest thing. Even knowing we’re just friends is the most uplifting, wonderful, amazing, fantastic, joyful, gid-inspiring things ever to happen to me.
To be honest, I love him. I do, and he accepts that. How could someone not be totally elated over that fact alone? And yet I get the added pleasure of sharing his company on a regular basis, caring for his well-being, thinking of him in fondness, and know that he knows that I am at his total dispatch whenever he needs or wants anything at all.
Even though he doesn’t requite, I’m not worried or upset. Every morning I wake up at 6:30 to be the first to wish him a good morning and smoke a cigarette to his good day. Every day at lunch I hope he’s having a good day, and I wonder what he’s had and if he enjoyed it. Every evening when things settle at my house, I think of his resting – so comfortable and warm and safe and complete – and I am happy. I am amazed to be so fortunate as to share my life with him, even as I’m doing it now.
Anatomy of a Love
Hair His hair is a perfect frame for his face; the kind that begs to have hands run through it. Always looking so together and so perfect, it epitomizes him. Sometimes I wonder what it looks like mussed or wet with rain. Like everything else about him, it’s beauty in completion could be mirrored with occasional imperfection.
Smile His smile is that reward that’s only granted when purely won. A coveted prize that is all to often hidden away from the masses. Rarely shown; even when is completes me. Like a lighthouse, it warms the most coarse surroundings and lights up his face in a way that reminds me why I’m alive.
Eyes His eyes are like that watered-down, half finished margarita at the end of a smoky bar. They always say more about the situation than the person in possession of them ever will. Yet his eyes always have a way of looking right through you, like they see more of you than you can see of him. But they play with you, begging you to look evermore closely at him.
Height His height could be intimidating, but instead reassures you in a God/Chosen Defender sort of way. His hug is the most perfect example of this: making you feel as though nothing could be wrong in this world, and you are safe and understood and cared for completely, if only for that moment.
Demeanor One of his more brilliant defenses is his demeanor. Keeping almost infallible coolness given daily situations, he will make the casual onlooker feel as though nothing could bother him. However, upon inspection you will see that everything he does is carefully thought out as to maintain the appearance of control. This is his weapon, his shelter, his defense, and his curse. Feeling as though he must appear strong at all times, and allowing it to make him in some ways weak. Anyone who loves him will find the cracks, and through them see a character so genuine, and so beautiful that the idea of this shelter will make them angry at a world that lead him to this, and love him all the more for the sake of understanding.
Clothes His clothes appear perfect – always just so, and always together in such a way as to remind you of a knight’s shining armor. But it’s the smell that reminds you why you love him: just the right touch of sweat, cigarette smoke, musk, and that clean smell. The kind of combination that reminds you of a blanket on a Sunday morning, warm and clean, with a comfort that makes you want to curl up and drift to sleep while feeling ultimate thankfulness for being alive to enjoy it.
Heart His heart is that treasure that should be kept and cared for as the true rarity it is. However, because someone obviously didn’t at some time, he hides it away and keeps it under lock and key. To even see such a thing would be the most perfect herald of joy possible by one human being. But to realize such a joy, one must be willing to work hard, be patient, and be prepared to ask little and give much. Until he can see himself as he is seen, there is no hope of him unclasping his heart, let alone giving it to someone else.
Warmth Despite his mournful nature when love is concerned, he is one of the most warm people alive. He will invite you the safe distance, and will make you feel beautiful just by maintaining your company and really listening to you. You will feel whole and complete just because he is around, and you’ll know the burn when he isn’t. And because he knows the pain of someone who is reckless with the heart of another, he will make pains never to be that himself. He will instead respect you and remind you why you have such love for him to begin with by never using that affection as leverage or tuning you out.
Stance His stance is something purely sexual. A prowess almost, in that it evokes all the things that lie below the surface of things said between parties. It’s masculine, and says of him, “You’ll never see me weak unless I allow you to.” It reminds us of control, and yet turns us on to the idea that control, as with any other inhibition, can be lost.
Quiet His quiet nature reminds of that romance we all want, but seldom find. The idea of the figure who wanders aimlessly through the party in silence is alluring in that you know he’s listening and really hearing what his attention is focused upon. It lends gravity to the notion that you’re important to be listened to, and at the same time prevents him from divulging too much information about his self. It makes everything he says important, and limits what you can say about him without careful work, time, and energy into studying him at length.
Observance As with the profound before him, he is surely observant. Watching everyone with slight paranoia until friendship is broached and the chance of rejection or public humiliation is removed. However, once these things are removed the focus turns to you. And observance as to your joys, your pains, and all other things that make us tick are accounted for. This is how we feel respected, appreciated, and validated as an individual in his life.
I’ve never felt so strongly before. If I have to wait forever for even a chance, I will gladly knowing it is worth it. The amazing thing is that I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many amazing and wonderful and true things inside him that I would find my heaven there. You just have to get inside.
I understand that the stars are above us, and that the planet turned on an axis and that’s why we have seasons. I understand that the moon pulls the tides. I understand these things because I’ve been told them or I have read them somewhere. I know this feeling I have is true. I know it.
If you want me to wait, I would wait for you
If you want me to stay, I would stay right thru
If you don't wanna say anything at all
I'm happy wondering
- - “Wondering” Good Charlotte