My mom may have, kind-of, sorta gave me a compliment tonight.
She has maintained for three months now that I should come to my senses about Nate. That it will never happen for me. That guys like him won't have girls like me. That if I were smart, I'd see how pointless it is and stop trying. I'm only asking for the big hurt like the first time. Like the last time.
I'm foolish to think someone like him would ever love someone like me.
I don't care. I don't care what she thinks or what she says. My whole life has been look but don't touch, see what others deserve and you never will. No one likes the fat girl. No one will love the leper. Find the someone who will accept you and be thankful you have him. Don't ever dream because dreamers spend their lives asleep. You're supposed to be miserable, that's the point. Happiness is an extravagance.
Well I'm just fucking extravagant then. And I do deserve joy. And I'm not just the fat chick. Dreamers are people who haven't been scared into mediocrity. FUCK ACCEPTANCE. You don't have to love the leper; jut stay out of her way. You're supposed to be alive, that's the point.
My mother's compliment was that she couldn't believe that I was still 'stuck on that guy.'
Well yes, dear. I am. I don't do anything halfway. And I'm not 'stuck on' anything. Don't berate me like that. I know how I feel and what I feel and I don't need your understanding or acceptance or any other clarification whatsoever. And he doesn't have to care about me at all. Requittance isn't rectification. So don't get it. Plenty of others don't and that doesn't matter to me either. I consider it a compliment that your confused by my stamina or the longevity of my affection. It states the unbelievable difference in my character. Maybe I am setting my heart up for the eventual shattering. At least I'm still using mine.
There you have it. I got a compliment from Mommie dearest.
Ten things I love about Nate (part 2)
1) I love that he's coming over for Valentine's Day, even though he hates the holiday and knows I do too.
2) I love his smile.
3) I love how his hair always looks so perfect.
4) I love that he likes Earl Grey tea.
5) I love how the thought of him makes me smile uncontrollably.
6) I love that he plays the violin. I mean I really, really love this one. Seriously, how perfect can he be? Oh my God, I don't believe it sometimes. I so need to be pinched right now.
7) I love how I can get so carried away thinking about him.
8) I love how he makes the emptiness inside disappear. I never thought someone could do that.
9) I love just looking at him.
10) I love how honest it feels to cry for him.