Saw Ryan tonight. Not sure what to think of that one. There was a point when I was very cross with him. He can still be a great guy at times though. Perhaps I'm just tired of harboring disdain and holding on to anger. I have noticed a big increase in my self confidence. Maybe it's the weight loss, putting high school and all its misery behind me, moving out of my mother's prison - - house, or the huge risk I was taking with Nate. I just feel much more comfortable in my skin. I'm giving Nate the credit for this one. I am actually stating what I want for the first time ever, and win or lose, I'm really giving it the good fight. He really does give me confidence in myself, and it feels wonderful. It feels right.
I wished he would've called tonight, because both Ryan and Ellen are dying to meet him. I know he was busy, and I'm sure he thinks I'm a stalker now because I called him like 4 times, but I really wanted to see him. I don't know why it was so important tonight, maybe because I was seeing someone from my past, and that's difficult for me to do. I feel like I can take on that kind of stuff because I can say, "Look at this amazing guy who wants to be my friend. He visits me and he talks to me and he inspires me and he's 10 times better than you'll ever be." It makes me feel like I'm worthy of those things, and maybe it's them and not me. Ever since Valentine's Day, I've been able to look in the mirror. I haven't shuddered at the sight. And through all the Hell played - the corset cuts, the diets, the skin treatments, the mental fatigue, and the work - all I think of are the compliments that he payed me on Valentine's Day.
I sat with a gentleman at my table and I was healthy and happy and compliment worthy and I could wear a skirt without the paranoia and I could sit there and not think that he's wanting to be somewhere else. I knew that he wanted to be with me that night. I have that, and nothing anyone says can take it from me. It will belong to me forever.
I've been catching a lot of Hell lately from people about my feelings. I took some serious insults and I cried quite a bit. It's a frustrating thing to be so full of something and feel so empty at the same time. But nothing changes, only your view of it really changes. And right now I know it, he knows it, I've never been so sure of anything, and it completes me and makes me whole. Everything I am is better because he's part of my life. Fuck anyone who doesn't understand or approve.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I deserve it.