Currently dashing the hopes of my parents. (lolasenvy) wrote,
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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I don't know

I don't know what to do or think right now. My friend Michael died tonight. I know that he's no longer in pain. I know that he's in a better place. I know that this is for the best.

I don't really know anything at all.

I don't know how I can know all of this stuff and still feel so angry. I don't know why this had to happen to someone as strong, smart, talented, and amazing as Michael. I don't know why these things don't happen to people who squander - SO MANY PEOPLE SQUANDER EVERYTHING! I don't know how I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to watch him get placed in the ground. I don't know long I'm going to feel this empty. I don't know how I'm going to live with myself because I had so many things I should have said to him and I will never be able to do that ever again.

I loved him. Michael was a wonderful person and he was so talented. He was a great friend, and I really thought he was going to pull through it. I begged God to see him through it. I guess he did, and I am just selfish. I want my friend with me. I want to tell him how great he was. I wanted to see him graduate. I wanted to tell him in so many ways how he was a better person than I was.

I want to be angry at God, but I can't be. I want something to blame. I want to have control over something. I want to crawl up in my bed and lay there for a couple of days. I want to hug Nate right now, as selfish as that sounds. I want someone to tell me its all ok. I want to feel better than this, because I feel like the worst friend right now.

And I wonder if he knew how important he was. I wonder if he felt at home those last few moments. I wonder how well recieved he was in Heaven.

I just don't know right now...
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