Currently dashing the hopes of my parents. (lolasenvy) wrote,
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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Man oh man

Thank God that Jason is doing so well. He is already in his own room and he will be seeing a specialist this morning. I cannot say how much the family has appreciated your thoughts and prayers. Your affection has been truly felt.

I am tired. If I had anywhere else to go, I probably would've quit my job tonight, which is insane because I love the station. Still, there are times when I just want to scream.
I got about enough sleep to be able to handle my shift and the little bastard while the specialists are with mom and dad. I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. Every part of me is tired. And my body is craving Cortizone, so I hurt. I want to cry, but it won't do any good. The crazy thing is that I really am grateful for Jason. You'd think that I could be happy for him. But instead I have to be stuck on my problems. Sometimes I hate how selfish I really am. I ate an hour ago and I haven't thrown up yet, so I'm thinking this time I might keep everything down. That's good.

I just don't know what I'm doing here. I'm doing this routine, but it feels like habit without motivation. Until I find my direction again, I've been clinging to the only thing that gives me solice and comfort. The sad thing is that he doesn't care. Sometimes, as much as I love the pursuit, I feel like a fool who is getting nowhere. I don't know. I guess all I want is someone to hold me, so I can feel warmth and hold to them and feel like I'm loved as much as I love. Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind...

I want my friends. I want to feel better. I want to go to sleep for a really long time...
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