But I didn't apologize. I told her she shouldn't have read it as it was private and no one else has read it. Then I told her it was me blowing off steam, and if more people did that, they'd be less likely to say things inappropriate and hurt the people they love. But I didn't apologize. I wouldn't and will not, either.
I will say one thing though. I am really getting tired of her telling me what a disappointment I am because I smoke and occasionally drink. She told me that in reading that, she saw that I am exactly who she was - all I'm missing is a child.
Ok, bad joke. I can't even get laid, let alone get pregnant. (another bad one)
I'm not even upset about this one. It kind of pisses me off about her reading my journal. But I'm not sorry about the other stuff. I know that my mother is concerned about me, but we're not the same person. And until she learns how to express her thought, concern, and interests to me without degrading me and belittling me, then I have no reason to listen to her. When she started talking about Nate, I knew she was grasping for something hurtful. I guess she believes that by breaking me down, I'm more likely to heed her. Instead, I truly believed for a long time that I was unloved, ugly, unwanted, and talentless. However, now I know that this is an inability to communicate. I like me. Nate likes me. Anjelica and John and David and Andrew and Josh and Aimee and Ryan and Brad and Charlie and Celeste and so many people like me. So appearantely I'm not that unloved or unwanted.
And Nate told me I was attractive. I believe him, so I guess I'm not ugly.
I've been strong for a long time. I have picked myself up and been there for myself when no one else was around. I have done things that no one should have to do. I have been the best friend I could be. I deserve to make my own choices, even if they differ from hers. I deserve to be my own person. I deserve my mother's respect. Even if I'm not the person she thinks I am or would like me to be.
But if I don't get it, then I'm gonna be ok with that.
John's party was great. I saw Nate and as usual, everything between us was fine and I was worried over nothing. I love him. Seeing everyone together was wonderful too. I didn't want to leave, and I hope everyone had as good a time as I did. We should do it again. Soon.