I don't know exactly what to think right now. I think I've earned a candy bar. In all seriousness, I am in some intense pain right now. This medical shit almost has me to my fill, but what's hurt unspeakably more is how little the people I love seem to notice. The people I would bend over backward and kiss my own ass for are avoiding me like the plague when I need them the most. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to start any problems, but I haven't felt this unloved and unwanted since my mom was beating me. I have tried to save some dignity by simply expressing a want to visit people, but no one seems to give a damn. Fuck it, I'll be frank. Why should I attempt to salve some self respect? I hurt all the time. I'm not out of the water concerning the cancer thing (not to mention I just buried a dear friend of mine over cancer.) I am having hormone problems so intense that I've been thinking of suicide a lot lately. I'm heartbroken, depressed, tired, and I'm lonely.
I'm so lonely.
Not to mention, as pathetic as this is - I loved Michael. Like those other people I love that don't work out. And I never told him. Not until the wake. I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. Rejected is the best word I can think of. It seems odd to be that the person least likely to start problems, most likely to be unbiased, truest in his love, and most honest in his commitment to those close to him gets the least consideration when he's down. It's understood when a visit is impossible. However, to not take five minutes - not one minute - to call and inquire about a person you claim to care about...
That's pretty fucking pathetic.
And being alone in my house all day yesterday allotted me a great deal of time to think about the quality of my friends. And who I can really count of in the moment of truth. I crawled into bed and cried my eyes out yesterday. All alone. Some people should take a good look at the friendship they so pride themselves upon.
Funny thing is, I don't think those people will understand. Even if they do, I doubt they care. And that makes me feel worst of all.
sad