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This is MY stigma

Ok. Now that everyone hates each other. Again. I guess I should say something...

This entire situation is my fault. I'm the one who posted first. I'm the one who cast the first 'stone'. And no one cared or seemed to.

Do you guys not see that by not calling or visiting, I was left with the belief that you didn't care, or worse. And sense I know you posted on livejournal, not having a comment there led me to believe that you didn't WANT to post, not that you couldn't. Did it not make sense that I would be VERY paranoid concerning my diagnosis considering recent events? Or that the depression from hormone deficiency might leave me unable to handle recent stress or lead me to believe strange and seemingly cruel things. Did it not occur to you that by taking one minute to call me, you could have said 'I got your messages' or 'I know your ill' or 'I gave a damn whether you live or die' without saying anything at all? Did you consider that if you knew me at all, you'd know this is the LAST thing I'd do for attention? That I'm even writing this should speak of how sever it really is, because I find it personally mortifying to talk about it. I've left a lot personal details out so I can retain some dignity.

It wasn't until after Brad's post that people called me (sparing Brad, Drew, and Kate)at all. That makes me feel really bad. But it also makes me feel as though Brad's post held a purpose. You all claim to have the best of intentions and to want verification on things said. If I could have gotten a hold of you, none of this would be happening. If you think anything of my illness, ask Celest about getting up with me at night. Ask Anjelicqa about me getting sick and dizzy spells and other things... If you maintained contact, you know how very real my issues are.

And how abandoned I felt by some people. I did try to fight my own battle, and was ignored. Don't blame Brad for being the friend he always maintained he would be to ME. If you have a problem with this situation, Then the person you consult is me. Although, consulting me would have prevented this, as I wouldn't have had such fuel to my depression, nor would I have so much stock in Brad's compassion.

If this makes you angry, then drop me a simple line ending the relationship. I still want your friendship - always have. However, I will never forget who to expect support from in the pinch.

That is all.


Apr. 2nd, 2003 04:55 am (UTC)
I hate no one. I am disappointed beyond belief, and I cannot agree to disagree with anything that has been done or find an excuse for it. It is broken and past fixing. I have nothing negative to offer about anyone I once considered a friend, I'm trying too hard to accept all of this and accept my decision to live without them as part of my life anymore. The only choice I had was to look the other way like it didn't matter and that isn't a viable choice for me. In doing so I would have compromised the value I place on friendship and given up on everything I believe in.

True family is the one you choose. I have always believed that as my friends loved me more than my real family ever did. The price is that my real family could never have disappointed me as badly as my friends could - and did. I haven't changed or redefined my terms on what constitutes friendship, they did. I cannot and will not accept this.