Currently dashing the hopes of my parents. (lolasenvy) wrote,
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

  • Mood:

You look at me, and you don't like what you see. But this is the price of belonging to you.

Have you guys read white oleander? You should. I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately. I'm not sure where my head is concerning her anymore. I don't think I even love her anymore.

I learned so much about my family on that day. I learned that Jason loves mom a great deal more than even he realized. I learned that Eric would rather cast me out than stand up to my mother. I learned that my mother being right meant more than I ever have. I learned that nothing is sacred, and the adage I once believed in- that family is paramount - is nothing more than tripe saved from an old hallmark card.

How do people do this? How do they leave behind the pieces that made them? How do they function so well without them, and why can't I? Why do I have to be the bad guy?

How did Janet Fitch know so well the pain a daughter feels when sacrificed to the possession of a mother? I hate myself for it, but sometimes the worst of her hatred was better than the risk of one's love. Love humiliates you. Hatred cradles you.

She is still digging, struggling, trying. She's convinced other family against and has spies trying to find out where I am, what I'm doing. I can't trust anyone, not really.

It was supposed to get better. I was supposed to feel free.

What happened?
She let me go.
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