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Have I never felt before? I think not...

I lost my baby.

And I find myself wondering, have I never known sadness before this moment? How did I rate it before? How did I know I felt sorrow when it seems so far from what I feel now? Now I sit alone with my thoughts, quite as my worst of enemies. Will I ever have this chance again? What if this is the fate of every child I carry? What if there is nothing I can do to stop it? How do I look at my husband knowing the best I can offer him is the uncertainty of disrepair (or dispair)?

and Never have I felt so alone. I can't sleep, I am in constant pain, and I have to live knowing what happened was my fault.

I don't know what I am supposed to say, and I'm supposed to always know what to say.

I wear sweatersa in the summer
I don't want you to see
I'm covering up the many scars
That life has placed on me.

I wish I was as smart as I was when I was 14.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 3rd, 2004 04:45 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that Renea...i'm probably the last person you'd want to talk to. But i'm around if you need to.
Feb. 3rd, 2004 05:33 pm (UTC)
*hug* Even though I can't empathize with you, I can imagine how you must feel. But this doesn't mean you can't carry a child - this happens to lots of women who then go on to carry and give birth to children. You're not to blame - you did everything right. I spent more time with you throughout this than almost anyone else, and I saw you doing everything right. You forewent caffeinne, you stayed in bed when they told you to.

As for not being able to offer Mike anything more than "the uncertainty of disrepair", that's not true... you have so much more to offer him than that - love like he's never had before, comfort, culture, someone to curl up next to at night, the *immense* pleasure of your company (I speak from firsthand experience), lifetime companionship, neverending devotion... you have so much to offer, Renea, and so much life ahead of you. Mike isn't upset or disappointed with you... he loves you and wants nothing more than to help you get through this as he goes through it too. I know this is rough, but I'm here if you need me - all of us are - and you know where to find me, day or night. Call the cell, house line, knock on my door or even my window if you have to... if you need me, I'm there.

I don't know what else I can say... you're one of my best friends in the whole world - one of the best friends I've ever had - and I love you... don't be afraid to ask for a shoulder to cry on if you need one. I know this is a difficult time for you, but please, let me take some of the pain away from you in any way I can.
Feb. 4th, 2004 07:14 am (UTC)
I'm so very sorry Renea. Let us know if there's anything we can do.

Feb. 4th, 2004 07:22 am (UTC)
Renea, if there's anything i can do, please let me know... i'm so sorry...

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


you stupid republican bitch
Currently dashing the hopes of my parents.

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